Old news to anyone who’s read this blog in the past: I struggle with anxiety and depression. Sometimes those two conspire to manifest through conversion disorder. In third grade, that meant I missed more than half the year of school due to stomach aches that had me doubled in pain. In college, it meant scaly skin on my eyelids. Many times, conversion disorder meant headaches, migraines. Then it morphed into falling out. I would pass out. Over and over. Sometimes I didn’t wake on my own, or at least not quickly. I lost my ability to drive, my self-direction, and my independence. I couldn’t shower, certainly not alone. I couldn’t care for my little boys. I couldn’t be counted on for anything but weakness, pain, and self-loathing.
I’ve been somewhat better for a while now. No more loss of consciousness – and that is a win. I drive. I bathe myself all by myself. My family allows me to stay home alone, go out alone, and wander away from them in public places.
Too often, I find myself ruminating and fearing. That happened. What if it happens again? What if I let everyone down? What if my kids grow up with me as their broken mother? What if they don’t?
It robs me of the present. It prevents me connecting with Husband, Eldest, Middling, and Third. It stops the process of being in the moment as soon as the moment begins.
In therapy last week, I was talking about these things. About my endless waiting. My constant worry over past and future and whether the airplane flying overhead will stay in the sky. I decided I needed an object. Some thing to remind me.
I told Husband and he suggested the words ‘be here now’. I ordered two items for myself on Saturday – a ring and a necklace, both to be stamped with those words – because I had received an unanticipated payment and invested in this idea. In the notes on the order, I thanked the company for the $40 off coupon because that allowed me to expedite the order. I explained that anxiety and depression are my enemies and the reason for these pieces of jewelry.
Then election night came. I was honestly unsurprised by the outcome. I’d thought for weeks that Trump would be elected, but I’d hoped it was my pessimism running amok.
This morning my doorbell rang and a small package graced my doorstep. Inside were the items I ordered, hand crafted by Kendra. I put them on immediately. I traced the letters and immersed myself in the now.
That’s what we must do in this present time. We must embrace the now. The now is when and where we can create change. Now is the conduit through which we all touch life. Now will help me connect, help me be, help me do.
Isn’t that what it comes down to for all of us? What lets us connect, be, and do? Find it. Find it in art, love, cooking, praying, giving, working – ANYTHING – but find it. We have more reason today than we had even yesterday to be here now.
By the way, if you need some stamped jewelry, check out The Vintage Pearl. They are located in Oklahoma. If you need another reason, just check out this super kind note they added to my order.