Reinvention of Me: Beggar

I like to pretend money is not a thing. I have sometimes not asked for payment because I thought that might be rude. I have accepted payment lower than I should have at times because I didn’t want the other party to think money was my primary motivation. I had problems charging people for legal work because it was something so necessary to those people.

This is all well and fine if one is independently wealthy. This one is not independently wealthy.

When the crossroads inevitably arise on the horizon, I hope and I pray and I want for a clear path to be, well, clear. I’m at one such crossroads now.

Amanda Palmer, a singer/writer/other, has written about the art of asking. She is not the first to highlight both the task of asking and the fruitfulness thereof.

It’s hard. And I want to think people will pay for my art and writing without my asking. I want to think if I work hard enough that people will notice and want more.

But I am at a crossroads.

After tomorrow, May 2nd, 2016, this website will go away if I don’t renew it. I thought I would be able to, but I’m not.

I can, of course, reopen a site that is free. But I’m tired. In this moment, I am tired of pushing into a dream that seems to stay as far away as ever. I’m tired of waiting to be a provider for my family. I’m tired of wanting this creative life so badly that I would risk so much.

My throat constricts and my eyes burn as I type this. Because I want to do it all on my own. And I cannot. No one can. And I never ever have.

So I’m setting aside my unworthiness and my guilt and my independence, and I am begging tonight.

I beg you to support this site and me if you find any value at all in its contents or my continued making of art. My Patreon site is the best conduit for your support, because you get stuff in return, like art and words, my two favorites.

Begging is unseemly. Most of my neurons are funneling me to the exit. But I am reinventing myself. And begging is merely asking. Asking is what we all need to do more. I tell my boys – actually, it’s a posted family rule: Ask for help. Instead of mentioning Patreon and saying my time is running out and hoping you understand and respond, I’m going to practice my own rule.

Lovers of the arts and creation, will you please help me? Will you please help me to transform my efforts into more art accessible to more people? Will you please help me to choose art over other vocations? Will you please help me?

Thank you. Regardless of your answer, thank you. I don’t always help my boys when they follow the rule. Sometimes, I know they will succeed without me. Tonight I question whether I will. I question how much longer I can hang onto my words and line, to my art.

None of this is your problem. And I don’t want it to be your problem. My job is to make and keep making. My task is to ask for help. Yours is to answer, however you may.

And, if I don’t see you before I’m gone – mad love to you all!

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